An Island

Every man is an island or so they say. Iʼm probably the best representation of this
expression. Iʼve often times isolated myself in order to protect myself from being hurt.
This has been increasingly noticeable since coming back to Argentina.

But what I don´t understand is why am I sometimes so quick to get upset with those who I love most. Iʼm upset with my little brother, and my mother right now. Iʼm
pissed that he gets to enjoy life a little better than I do. Iʼm angry that at times he is soo
selfish and lazy and gets away with it. Iʼm angry that my mom doesnʼt hold him to any
standard, and she keeps supporting him, and paying everything for him during our
vacation, and sends him things that he sells to buy better things with. He sold a laptop I
bought him with the condition of a high GPA when he was in Fresno, but then wanted to move to Argentina, for the second time, and I gave it to him. I feel betrayed by that. Not by the lucrative
business transaction, but because I thought that he needed it. That... in essence he
needed me. I donʼt know why Iʼm so angry. I donʼt know why I shut my self down, and I
just want to be alone, and be angry.

Why am I Angry? because I donʼt know how to love. I know how to be affectionate. I
know how to show that I care by buying things, but when it boils down to it, I donʼt know
how to love. I know what love looks like. I know what love tastes like. I know how to act
when love someone, but that sense of security that you get with loved ones, that
sense that they love you no matter what, that sense that their love goes beyond their
affections, that! That I donʼt know how that feels. Iʼve not allowed
myself to feel that for as long as I can remember.

Iʼve been pretty self reliant for a long period of my life. I think I was sixteen when I
started working, paying rent (to my mom), and buying my own things, in addition to
going to school that is. If you looked at me now, not much has changed. Yes, Iʼve gotten
some help from my mother (she sometimes buys my books), but I could have
gotten by with out it. I didnʼt NEED the help, but I appreciated it.
I want to need the help of my loved ones. I want to need them. I want to feel so close to
them that iʼll stop whatever Iʼm doing to pick up the phone when my mom calls, and at
least tell her I love her. I want to appreciate her more, and I want to get along with my
brother better. I want to be a good brother, and a good son. Not a better brother and a
better son because that implies that I some how already know how to be those things
and I donʼt. I know how to portray myself, and I know what to say, and what not to say.
But Iʼm tired of this, Iʼm tired that I have to worry about worrying them about me, I want
them to worry about me. I want them to know that I donʼt have my shit together as much
as I like them to think because I feel as though they have bigger things to worry about.
But darn it, they should worry about me! I want to get to know them, and I want to show
them who I truly am. Not who Iʼve pretended to be. Iʼm done with that.

Yes, every man is an island, but it is up to us to build the bridges that connect us. And what better way to build those bridges than to go on a fun adventure day with my lil bro. Cayaking and horse riding tomorrow.

Going Home

I arrived to Argentina a little less than a week ago. We landed last Sunday afternoon to be exact. So far, I've seen some improvements, and Buenos Aires is a pretty as it has always been. I only stayed in that city for a few hours however. Enough to notice the cultural change that has shaped that city, and the influence of the United States in my hometown. Case in point my mom and her longing for alfajores de maicena. They go really well with a cortado (an expresso shot with just a little bit of milk), and they traditionally Argentine. On Sunday, and while we were waiting for the bus that brought us to where I am today we went to a coffee shop and asked for both an alfajor, and a cortado. Well, the server informed us that he could provide us witht he cortado, but that he didn't have any alfajores de maicena, or any alfajores for that matter. That if we wanted we could a brouni (browny) or a chiscaque (cheesecake). WHAT?!?!

Yup, we traveled over 16 hours simply to get a fucking browny!

More updates soon.

Improbable

I exhaled today. I’m currently sitting at SFO, waiting for my flight to LA. Learning from previews experiences of missing flights I got up at six thirty this morning to be able to get here a few hours before my flight. The ride on BART here consisted of me constantly checking my boarding ticket that I printed at home. I checked the date: 11/28/08. Good. I checked the airport: SFO. I checked the time of the flight: 10:05AM. Perfect. Maybe I had confused the AM with the PM flight time. Maybe I went to SFO but the flight was out of OAK. Maybe the flight was tomorrow, and I mistakenly came to the airport today. The ride on BART was emblematic of how I got to where I am today.

This semester has been by far one of the most difficult times of my life. I was homeless. I took a full load at school. I became a pharmacy technician. Getting here consisted of making “To Do Lists” over and over again. Double and triple checking everything that I needed to do. There were days that started at five in the morning, and days that ended at three in the morning and not because I was out with my friends. I’ve never worked this hard for anything in my life.

But now that most of what I needed to do is done. Now that most of the tasks in the list have been checked I’m able to exhale. And I exhaled. I exhaled and I cried a little. I exhaled all the pressure that had been building up inside of me in attempting to get here. I cried because I realized that I got here. That I achieved something. That I’m going back home for the first time in eight years, and because I’m leaving behind not just my friends for a month, but also what seemed elusive until this morning; I’m leaving behind my home: San Francisco. I exhaled today. I exhaled and I cried a little.

Memory Lane

I was driving back from Christmas in Fresno as I was talking on the phone with Earl. Earl is one of my best friends. I was telling him that my only new years resolution for 2008 would be to find Zen.  I told him Zen to me meant balance. It means to have your priorities aligned with your goals, and it means making sure that those goals are realistic. It also means having the right balance between hard work, and fun; both of which are essential. It means paying enough attention to your responsibilities and paying enough attention to the people in your life.

As 2008 is coming to a close I look back and I realize that for the most part I've found Zen. I changed my job, I'm back and succeeding in school, and I moved to what it seems to be good place. My room isn't a cave anymore. My room is now filled with sunshine. 

The move didn't go as smoothly as I had expected it. I should have done things a little bit different.  Staying with friends was challenging. Living out of a suitcase for two or three months was a reality check on my value system. I used to live in a big two floor Victorian Haight-Ashbury flat so I had accumulated a lot of things. Things that I really didn't need nor that would fit my two suitcases that I took to my friend's houses.  The reality of how much I have/had made me realize how "American" I've become. It made me realize that this capitalistic society has changed me, and not for the better. It changed me in a way that my values have shifted. When I first moved to the city I was really focused on school, on work, and paying off my debt. I was in my first Relationship, which ended up lasting about 2 years.  Fast-forward two four years later and finally finishing my two years of general education to transfer to a UC school, and my debt is much more than what it used to be.

Granted, I worked full time for most of the time for which I went to school. But little by little, I lost a lot of myself. I lost a lot of who I was. I lost a lot of who I thought I should be.  I equated who I am with what I have. I became my possessions. Leaving them behind kind of freed me a little.  Giving up the stuff that I owned made me realize who I am; it forced me to deal with my identity. I feel as though the move was a necessary step in this year of enlightenment.  It needed to happen to close one of the chapters in this book of my life: The Ignorant Know It All.

That isn't the only chapter in my life that needed closing however. There are plenty of chapters that have had no such luck. And to finally culminate my year of becoming an adult I have to go and attempt to close those other chapters. This week I'm having coffee with my first love. I've not talked to him in two years. I'm both scared and looking forward to it.  Also, I'm going to Argentina for all of December. I've not been back since I moved here 8 years ago. There are relatives that have passed that I never got to say bye to but mi Viejo (dad) is who I want to see. I need to examine who he is to figure out who I am. I need to know where I came from to figure out where I'm going. Now that the road to the future looks bright again, I have enough strength to look on the rearview mirror and perhaps even hop on memory lane. Perhaps embarking in that journey  will be the last trip towards my own version of Zen.

Current Mood: Blah.

Where did my motivation go? I feel like blah. All I've been into lately is getting wasted and partying the night away. El Ocho is back. This didn't used to be me. I have no idea why I do it so often. I have no idea what I'm doing. I've fallen behind on the mere two classes that I've taken. I'm considering dropping them before I get an F. I guess, that this time I've bitten more than I could chew. Again.

Ah. I just feel lost... again. Berkeley is a million miles away.

Superstar

Delusion. That's what I'm beginning to believe about my mental status. However, I think that the proper term needs one more word. Grandeur. Yes. That sounds more like it. Delusions of Grandeur. That's what I'm currently suffering. I had previously tittled this post "Dans Connection." But, I don't think that is the correct tittle for my current state of mind.

My current state of mind is that of discovery. I'm discovering that I'm not as intelligent as I previously believed. Case in point, my Astronomy class. I'm taking this class online. I bought the book. I registered online. I even registered online with the book's online tutorial. Still... I don't get it. Maybe the amount of partying that I did during my year of hiatus has had some effect on my brain.

Or maybe, perhaps, here I go feeding my delusion, I just need to ease into it. I just need to take 6 units instead of 9. Maybe, perhaps, I need to realize that I am no superstar. That I'm just me. Good'ol Carlos. Maybe, perhaps, I need to admit to myself that all superstars had a rough start when they are getting back into the same field in which they excelled.

On a side note. We are 2 days away from Valentines and it looks like it is going to be another year dans a date. Ah. Who cares right? At least I know I have friends that love me. And as one of them would say. Word.

Not Sure.

As I welcome 2008 I'm found lost. Lost, not in a sense of not knowing what to do with my life, but rather not knowing how to get there. For example, I want to be healthier. But how do I get here, is it through a strict very controlled diet, or just simply watching what I eat. I want to be more spiritual, but how do I achieve this? Do I need to go away somewhere to a very rigorous meditation where nothing bothers you and you just meditate? One of my good friends here in San Francisco ( her blog here) told me that her favorite New Year's Eve was spent in one of such retreats.
I named 2008 the year of Zen. If one were to look up the word in wikipedia it describes zen as: "attainment of awakening." However, for me, I've already attained awakening. At least in my own definition of it. I'm already awake enough to realize that I need to implement some changes in my life if I want to successfully achieve the many goals that I have set forth.

But as I sit here, and write this blog out, my mind starts to wonder at what I really want to achieve in 2008. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the many mundane and very latent necessities that need to be addressed. Maybe, I just need to do something much simpler in order to achieve Zen this year. Maybe, perhaps, I need to stop attempting to control everything, and just take one day at a time. Enjoying the company of friends, family, and strangers.

I think that I finally got it. I think that I need to do that.