Improbable

I exhaled today. I’m currently sitting at SFO, waiting for my flight to LA. Learning from previews experiences of missing flights I got up at six thirty this morning to be able to get here a few hours before my flight. The ride on BART here consisted of me constantly checking my boarding ticket that I printed at home. I checked the date: 11/28/08. Good. I checked the airport: SFO. I checked the time of the flight: 10:05AM. Perfect. Maybe I had confused the AM with the PM flight time. Maybe I went to SFO but the flight was out of OAK. Maybe the flight was tomorrow, and I mistakenly came to the airport today. The ride on BART was emblematic of how I got to where I am today.

This semester has been by far one of the most difficult times of my life. I was homeless. I took a full load at school. I became a pharmacy technician. Getting here consisted of making “To Do Lists” over and over again. Double and triple checking everything that I needed to do. There were days that started at five in the morning, and days that ended at three in the morning and not because I was out with my friends. I’ve never worked this hard for anything in my life.

But now that most of what I needed to do is done. Now that most of the tasks in the list have been checked I’m able to exhale. And I exhaled. I exhaled and I cried a little. I exhaled all the pressure that had been building up inside of me in attempting to get here. I cried because I realized that I got here. That I achieved something. That I’m going back home for the first time in eight years, and because I’m leaving behind not just my friends for a month, but also what seemed elusive until this morning; I’m leaving behind my home: San Francisco. I exhaled today. I exhaled and I cried a little.

Memory Lane

I was driving back from Christmas in Fresno as I was talking on the phone with Earl. Earl is one of my best friends. I was telling him that my only new years resolution for 2008 would be to find Zen.  I told him Zen to me meant balance. It means to have your priorities aligned with your goals, and it means making sure that those goals are realistic. It also means having the right balance between hard work, and fun; both of which are essential. It means paying enough attention to your responsibilities and paying enough attention to the people in your life.

As 2008 is coming to a close I look back and I realize that for the most part I've found Zen. I changed my job, I'm back and succeeding in school, and I moved to what it seems to be good place. My room isn't a cave anymore. My room is now filled with sunshine. 

The move didn't go as smoothly as I had expected it. I should have done things a little bit different.  Staying with friends was challenging. Living out of a suitcase for two or three months was a reality check on my value system. I used to live in a big two floor Victorian Haight-Ashbury flat so I had accumulated a lot of things. Things that I really didn't need nor that would fit my two suitcases that I took to my friend's houses.  The reality of how much I have/had made me realize how "American" I've become. It made me realize that this capitalistic society has changed me, and not for the better. It changed me in a way that my values have shifted. When I first moved to the city I was really focused on school, on work, and paying off my debt. I was in my first Relationship, which ended up lasting about 2 years.  Fast-forward two four years later and finally finishing my two years of general education to transfer to a UC school, and my debt is much more than what it used to be.

Granted, I worked full time for most of the time for which I went to school. But little by little, I lost a lot of myself. I lost a lot of who I was. I lost a lot of who I thought I should be.  I equated who I am with what I have. I became my possessions. Leaving them behind kind of freed me a little.  Giving up the stuff that I owned made me realize who I am; it forced me to deal with my identity. I feel as though the move was a necessary step in this year of enlightenment.  It needed to happen to close one of the chapters in this book of my life: The Ignorant Know It All.

That isn't the only chapter in my life that needed closing however. There are plenty of chapters that have had no such luck. And to finally culminate my year of becoming an adult I have to go and attempt to close those other chapters. This week I'm having coffee with my first love. I've not talked to him in two years. I'm both scared and looking forward to it.  Also, I'm going to Argentina for all of December. I've not been back since I moved here 8 years ago. There are relatives that have passed that I never got to say bye to but mi Viejo (dad) is who I want to see. I need to examine who he is to figure out who I am. I need to know where I came from to figure out where I'm going. Now that the road to the future looks bright again, I have enough strength to look on the rearview mirror and perhaps even hop on memory lane. Perhaps embarking in that journey  will be the last trip towards my own version of Zen.

Current Mood: Blah.

Where did my motivation go? I feel like blah. All I've been into lately is getting wasted and partying the night away. El Ocho is back. This didn't used to be me. I have no idea why I do it so often. I have no idea what I'm doing. I've fallen behind on the mere two classes that I've taken. I'm considering dropping them before I get an F. I guess, that this time I've bitten more than I could chew. Again.

Ah. I just feel lost... again. Berkeley is a million miles away.

Superstar

Delusion. That's what I'm beginning to believe about my mental status. However, I think that the proper term needs one more word. Grandeur. Yes. That sounds more like it. Delusions of Grandeur. That's what I'm currently suffering. I had previously tittled this post "Dans Connection." But, I don't think that is the correct tittle for my current state of mind.

My current state of mind is that of discovery. I'm discovering that I'm not as intelligent as I previously believed. Case in point, my Astronomy class. I'm taking this class online. I bought the book. I registered online. I even registered online with the book's online tutorial. Still... I don't get it. Maybe the amount of partying that I did during my year of hiatus has had some effect on my brain.

Or maybe, perhaps, here I go feeding my delusion, I just need to ease into it. I just need to take 6 units instead of 9. Maybe, perhaps, I need to realize that I am no superstar. That I'm just me. Good'ol Carlos. Maybe, perhaps, I need to admit to myself that all superstars had a rough start when they are getting back into the same field in which they excelled.

On a side note. We are 2 days away from Valentines and it looks like it is going to be another year dans a date. Ah. Who cares right? At least I know I have friends that love me. And as one of them would say. Word.

Not Sure.

As I welcome 2008 I'm found lost. Lost, not in a sense of not knowing what to do with my life, but rather not knowing how to get there. For example, I want to be healthier. But how do I get here, is it through a strict very controlled diet, or just simply watching what I eat. I want to be more spiritual, but how do I achieve this? Do I need to go away somewhere to a very rigorous meditation where nothing bothers you and you just meditate? One of my good friends here in San Francisco ( her blog here) told me that her favorite New Year's Eve was spent in one of such retreats.
I named 2008 the year of Zen. If one were to look up the word in wikipedia it describes zen as: "attainment of awakening." However, for me, I've already attained awakening. At least in my own definition of it. I'm already awake enough to realize that I need to implement some changes in my life if I want to successfully achieve the many goals that I have set forth.

But as I sit here, and write this blog out, my mind starts to wonder at what I really want to achieve in 2008. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the many mundane and very latent necessities that need to be addressed. Maybe, I just need to do something much simpler in order to achieve Zen this year. Maybe, perhaps, I need to stop attempting to control everything, and just take one day at a time. Enjoying the company of friends, family, and strangers.

I think that I finally got it. I think that I need to do that.

Adios 2007

Most of my friends are already writing blogs about the year that has yet to pass. I just finished reading the ex's one. It was cute. He insipred me to write mine.

2007 was the year where I got my groove, lost it, and then gained it back. This year I learned a lot about myself, and about different situations that I've been. This year, I learned that the butterflies that lie within my stomach are just sleeping untill I meet someone new, and not dead as I had previously believed. This was the year that I gained a lot of new friends. This was the year that no matter how painful situations may be, I will get through them. This was the year which showed me that letting go is the easiest and hardest thing to do.

I'm happy that I made it here. I'm happy of how I arrived here. But above all, I'm excited about 2008. I'm excited about using the lessons that I learned in the new year.

Good Night.
Good Luck.

A Sloppy Drunk

Funny. Honest. Too honest. Loyal. Sensitive. These are words that people have used to describe me. Today, at the Thanks Giving table someone used a different one. We were talking about how we all met each other. During the conversation it came out that people usually don't like me when they first meet me. A fact, I've come to terms with. I think, for the most part, that people just don't get me. I'm too honest. I'm too opinionated. I'm too much of an immigrant. The problem is that I don't really have an accent, and luckily my English is good enough so that people don't questions the fact that I've only been in this country for seven years. However, as it turns out, people, usually friends of friends who I meet while going out, don't like me because I'm a sloppy dunk.

That is a new one. At least this has been the first time that someone has said it to my face. That's the thing about American culture. Everyone is just so fucking polite they are afraid to offend you with the truth. Ultimately, the truth is what we need to hear. The truth breeds change. That little hurting feeling I had inside meant that I need to change something about my behavior.

It's true. I drink too much. Sometimes my liver hurts. But that is not cute. I've posted many blogs about this same fact on my old blog. So this blog is going to be mainly about me copping with the fact that I might be an alcoholic (not ready for step one yet), or that I am what people call a party boy. Perhaps a combination of both. However, I don't like it. I need to change. I've been lucky to never have gotten in fights, never broken any bones, never been raped or robbed.

So this year, the year when I drank more than I could handle, this is the year when I get my shit together. And that is what I want to be thankful for: my friends who have always been there for me, through thick and thin, through sober and drunk.